San Diego Estate Planning Blog: Creating Legacies

From the Desk of San Diego Estate Planning Attorney, Kristina Hess Haymes

Ideals are good.  Standards are Good.  Excellence is Good.  We are called to do well and be excellent.  For sure!

But sometimes our desire to have things “just right” or “perfect” can be a real hindrance.

Can we be real?

In preparing estate plans for San Diego families, I see this frequently in my office.  I am going to use the collective “us” and “we,” because I can certainly identify with these scenarios.

Sometimes our desire to have it just right might hold us back from having it at all…

What if you like the idea of recording a video to begin leaving a library behind of your intangible wealth for your children and (perhaps future?) grandchildren… but you don’t look quite right.  Or, you don’t quite know what to say? Or, maybe you don’t want to record anything that personal (and potentially emotion inducing) in front of someone you don’t know that well.

I get that.   But are you really going to do it on your own at home?

Or, maybe you and your spouse really know that you need to nominate guardians for your children (people who could raise your child or children in the event that you are unable to) but there just isn’t that perfect person or couple.

The truth is there is no perfect person that is not you!  There just isn’t.  Parents can be pretty difficult, if not impossible, to replace.  But, the alternative to not legally nominating long term guardians for you children, is that you are taking a huge chance that nothing happens to you and your spouse before your child or children are adults!  Are you willing to play the odds with the lives of your children?  I mean, if you are gone, there is a default plan — a judge will decide who will raise your children.

But wouldn’t you rather have an imperfect plan then leave it up to a judge?

When it comes to back up parents for our children, perfect probably isn’t an option.

In this case, an imperfect plan is hands down better than no plan.  Who knows in your circle of family memberswho would step forward to volunteer to raise your children?  And, who knows how good someone may look on paper when the reality can be far different.  Maybe you are assuming that both sides of the family would handle a difficult situation with grace and love, but that is often not the case.

Again I say, this is a situation where an imperfect plan is better than no plan.

Are there other ways that a desire for perfection is holding you back?  Sometimes, we just have to get over ourselves and get something done.  Sometimes imperfect is much better than waiting for perfection.  Perfection doesn’t even really exist anyway.

I ran across an interesting book not to long ago called Wabi Sabi Love: the Ancient Art of Finding Perfect Love in Imperfect Relationships.   The author’s work is based upon “the ancient Japanese aesthetic known as wabi sabi which honors all things old, worn, weathered, imperfect, and impermanent. In fact, it seeks to find “beauty and perfection in the imperfections.

Of course, like anything, the application of the concept is context specific.  But there is something really powerful about love and acceptance of our humanity in all of its imperfections.  You can apply this to your relationships (when they are not harmful of course) and the people in your lives.  You can apply this to tackling something that may seem overwhelming like legal planning for life and death.

Is your desire or need for perfection standing in your way?  Is it blocking your path to getting your estate planning done, loving those around you, making sure you show your love by making things as easy as possible for those you care deeply about if you are no longer here?

hmmm, love, acceptance, honor … imperfect people.

Create Your Legacy Today!

San Diego Probate and Trust Attorney, Kristina Hess Haymes

From the Desk of Del Mar, Carmel Valley estate planning attorney, Kristina Hess Haymes…

As a mother of three boys, I know that the thought of someone else raising your children is not a happy one.  The truth is that there may not be anyone in the world who could raise your child or children as you could!  I get that!

There is no perfect “guardian” (the person legally authorized to raise a child once the parents are no longer here) that is not you!

The Wall Street Journal recently highlighted this issue in an article titled, The Hard Question – who will take care of your child if you die?.

The article is worth a read if you have not yet named guardians for your children.

I also have a list of the 6 most common mistakes that parents make when naming guardians for their children and if you contact me, I would be happy to send it along.

At the end of the day, we hope and pray that you will survive to see your children graduate from high school, college, etc., but no one is promised tomorrow.  An imperfect plan is better than no plan.

Because the truth is, whether you know it or not, there is a default plan in place for you — and that is for a judge to decide who will raise your children if you and the other parent are not here.  So take the time to make your choice.

Here are three simple steps:

1) Brainstorm all possible options… your choice does not have to be a blood relative.  While often times people think in terms of family, you may have a good friend, neighbor, or godparent who may be even better suited for the task at hand.

2) Make a list of your values… what really matters to you?  Where the child will live, religion or spiritual tradition, work ethic, discipline style, character development, participation in extracurricular activities, education, etc.  Then highlight your top 3-5 values.

3) Match your people with your values.  Of the people on your brainstorm list, which ones match up with what really matters to you?

It’s not an easy choice and it is very common for couples to disagree and thus, avoid reaching a conclusion.  I am here to help.  It often helps to have a neutral third-party listen to both points of view and facilitate a resolution!

Contact Kristina today to get your San Diego guardian nominations in place.  If you own your own home in San Diego, ask me about my January special of nominating f re e guardians for your children!

Create Legacies today!

San Diego Trust Attorney

Kristina Hess Haymes

Protecting Your Children When You’re Not Around

From the Desk of San Diego Trust and Estate Attorney, Kristina Hess Haymes… serving all of San Diego County

Do you know anyone who has ever been arrested or otherwise detained without good cause?  A few years back a story broke in Texas about a soccer mom who was actually cuffed and carted off to jail . . . for not wearing her seatbelt!  The woman’s children were in the car at the time of the incident.  What do you think happened to them while their mother was incarcerated?  Can you imagine how she must have felt not knowing what would happen to her children?

As students of the law, we could spend hours dwelling on the subject of constitutional law, unreasonable searches and seizures, and unlawful arrests, but as professionals we focus our attention on helping you take the appropriate steps to protect you and your children, no matter what the circumstances may be.  So we are going to write a series on how you can make sure you children are properly cared for in your absence, whether that absence occurs by death, disability, or for any other reason.

The System is Your Reality, Unless You Opt Out

When it comes to caring for children while parents are unavailable, the system requires an “opt out.”  That simply means the system and its general rules, whether those rules are good or bad, apply as the default.  It means, in short, that if you and your spouse are ever unable to provide care for your children even temporarily, a judge will decide whose care they should be put in and what is best for them.

If you want a different set of rules to apply—if you want to maintain any semblance of control over who watches and raises your children, even in short-term scenarios, then you need to formulate and implement a Kids Protection Plan^®.

In a nutshell, the legal system works like this: If you and your spouse become unavailable to parent your children for any amount of time, your children will be placed in the care of a state run child protection agency.  From there, depending on how long you will be unavailable, the judge can order your children to be placed in the custody of one of your relatives or even in foster care and beyond the reach of your loved ones.  In short, you will have very little if any say in who takes custody of your children.  That’s scary, to say the least.

Setting A Backstop

There are a number of really valuable benefits to forming a Kids Protection Plan.  Today we highlight two features.

• It’s a process that will force you to reflect.  Formulating a plan requires you to take a hard look around and decide on who you trust to raise your children in your absence.  You can (and should, in most cases) designate one person to care for your children and one person to manage their financial estate.  It’s not advisable to only choose a couple as primary caregivers, because . . . well . . . couples sometimes split up.  If that happens, it’s just one more opportunity for a judge to intervene.  This is also your opportunity to have very deep conversations with the people you would entrust to care for your children.

• Your plan will cause your judgments and choices to be honored above those of a judge who is a complete stranger to you and your children.  By developing and implementing a plan, you set the default rules in your favor, and the legal system will then be forced to honor your wishes.

Get Kid Protection Planning

If you don’t already have a plan in place to protect your children in the event that something renders you unable to parent, then you need to develop one now!  It’s absolutely critical.  Just think of all the horror stories you hear about foster care . . . don’t allow your children to be a victim of the system.  Call us today to schedule your Family Wealth Planning Session, and we’ll focus on helping you create a plan to safeguard your children when you are unable to protect them yourself.

Call our voicemail at 858.461.6844 and we will set something up.

San Diego Estate Attorney

Kristina Hess Haymes